Sorry, no time for pics.
When you adopt a teenager from another country with another culture and another language, well...it's not always the easiest thing to adjust to.
I will say, after reading the blogs of some other families who have chosen this same path, Kennedy is easy. Really. She is sweet, talented, helpful, polite, respectful and intelligent. I am aware that we are blessed.
But, what she is NOT...is affectionate, emotional...or used to addressing people by name...especially when the names are Mom and Dad. THAT, my friends, has been the MOST difficult obstacle for me, personally. It does not seem to bother Charles as much, but me...well...it has taken a toll.
I have given her a couple months to settle in and just get adjusted to being a member of a family. I mean, her ENTIRE life has changed! I respect that it must be difficult for her, to say the least. She has left behind all she has ever known. BUT, my dear friends, MY life is no picnic either!
We had a pretty "easy" life before we adopted again. Mia has been our daughter for over 4 years, and since she was only 2 at the time of adoption, she is truly an American kid. We had a great routine going. Mia is and always has been a mama's girl, extremely affectionate and loving! Adding a hormonal teenage daughter to the mix...shocker...was NOT easy! SO I have finally embraced just how hard it has been for ME, and just how many changes I am ALSO dealing with every day.
I hit the breaking point last weekend, and let Kennedy know it. I directly addressed some things with her that were really bothering me, and I told her it was time for her to change those things. She admitted to them and agreed.
One of the big things is the fact that she PRETENDED not to know much English. But, boy, oh boy...can she speak it well while playing Wii!!! Hmm...
Long story short, I took the translator away from her and told her she has NO choice but to use her words and start speaking English in ALL settings, not just while playing video games. You would be amazed at how much more English is pouring out of her.
I also addressed food issues. Noodles for breakfast every day are no longer being served. The face she makes when she is trying something new that makes it appear as if she is being killed by the food is no longer tolerated. I can happily say that she has eaten everything I have put in front of her since that little talk...and WITHOUT the faces! ;)
Finally, I told her that it made me sad that she rarely calls us mom and dad. That seemed to strike a chord, and she has made a good effort to increase that.
So, today was a really good day. She smiled and laughed alot. We actually wrestled and played around while I was teaching her how to change her sheets the way I want it done. She did homework with Charles tonight instead if me. When I asked if she was finished, she insisted on going back over the homework vocabulary cards with me to show me how quickly (and correctly) she could say them. I told her she did a great job and I was proud of her. Without prompting, she said thank you mommy. I smiled, and SHE hugged ME first.
I know our blog is usually a place for the fun stories. We truly do have mostly fun stories to tell! We have been blessed by two amazing daughters who did not grow in my tummy...but grew in my heart. BUT, sometimes, people need to know the struggles too. Adopting a teenager from another culture is simply NOT an easy thing to do. It is worth the work, but it IS work. It is easy to love someone right away, but it takes work to FEEL close to them, especially when they are not affectionate. It can take time for them to call you mom or dad, but while you are waiting, it can hurt. You travel half way around the world and jump through rings of fire to bring them home to be your daughter or son, and when you don't hear that endearing term "mom" or "dad", well...it can be painful.
I am learning that she needs to know how we feel, and it helps her want to change. It is a process. We will continue to do the work, and it will get easier with every day that passes. It is well worth it.
I hope you will continue to follow our journey, struggles and all, and that you will continue to pray for us as we adjust, bond and grow together as a family.
4 comments:
I have been thinking about all of you so much lately. I have been praying that the transition continues to go smoothly and that you have the strength, health and love to get through the obstacles. I don't think anyone would think it's all roses....that would be impossible. Heck I have a hard time getting through days with these kids that came from my body...at times I wonder what has possessed them! Sending extra prayers your way. We miss seeing you at gymnastics. Big hugs!!!!
Glad to hear that communication is open between the two of you, and that she is making an effort to speak English and show affection. Joseph has been using English more in the last 10 days. He sort of refused to use it for a while when we first got home. Now he is asking "what's that" and trying to learn more and more English terms. He has also started initiating some affection. We were called Mama and Baba from the start, but most of his affection has been to copy his brother and/or not be out done by him. Now we are seeing some real signs that he enjoys being part of our family. Hope that Mia is o.k.!
Blessings to you all & happy 2 months home.
Speaking from some of the same experience, I know how hard it can be. I will pray for you guys. It is hard when you are used to affection from your child and have an new child who isn't that way, even though you know why, it is hard. Hugs
And then you have a child that is basically tackling you from the left field and trying to take you down everytime she hugs you. Sigh.
You go, mean Mommy, we've had to do some of the same things. I just don't want to hear the word "yucky" at the dinner table. I think Nora has been surprised by how many things she actually likes when she tries them (and try we make her)
Love, BArb
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