Not always easy...





Here is a picture of Kennedy and me with our dear friend, Swee.  She tutored Kennedy out of the kindness of her heart 2 or more days per week at school.  She is fluent in Mandarin, and helped Kennedy's adjustment tremendously!





This is just a CUTE picture I took of Charles and Mia in our home office.  Awww...

Here are the girls as chefs at our friend Andruw's 5th birthday party.  They got to make their own pizzas from kneading the dough to placing the pizzas in the giant brick oven!  It was a super cool party, and they had a blast!

I started with some random pictures, because we all know that is what you are REALLY checking the blog for!  :)  I don't blame you!  My kids are extremely cute!


I have not been blogging much.  Partially because I rarely find the time these days...and partially because things have been a little rocky around here.  I don't like to post about negative things for privacy reasons, and because Kennedy will read this some day.


I have read some very honest blog posts this summer about things I would never dream of putting in print myself.  However, I am so thankful for those who do.  It is very helpful to hear about the struggles that other families are going through who have adopted older kids internationally, and to read how they are working through the obstacles.


Since I have been helped by reading the stories of others, I decided it is time for me to share a little, in case it will help someone else out there.  (When I say a little...I really mean a LITTLE!!  No juicy details here, sorry.)


If you are considering the adoption of an older child, or if you happen to be in that process, you have most likely done your research, like I did.  You know it can be difficult, and you are aware of some hurdles that may be in your path.  You have planned for the worst, and you are praying for the best.  I know that is how I went into it.


In reality, you can prepare your brain for these things logically.  Preparing your heart and your known and unknown expectations are different matters entirely.


I will preface this by saying we are truly blessed.  Kennedy is a good girl, no major baggage or issues, mostly happy and compliant..."easy", compared to many teens adopted internationally that we have read about.  We love her and she loves us.  We are very fortunate.


With that said, I will add that this has been a much harder journey than I had imagined it would be.  The complete language barrier and hormones alone were more like MOUNTAINS rather than mole hills!  When we adopted Mia, she was 26 months.  She understood Chinese, but didn't speak it.  She needed us for everything...feeding, diapers, baths, entertainment.  It was not a cake walk, especially while we were actually in China...out of our elements.  BUT, bonding came immediately.  When you have waited your whole life to be a mom and you are finally looking into the eyes of your daughter as you rock her and feed her a bottle, a connection is easy to make.


When you adopt a 13...almost 14 year old girl who has only known China as her entire universe, complete with her period, hormones and survival skills well entrenched, the bonding is a process.  It takes work...HARD work.  Life in an orphanage requires adaptation skills that do not typically fit well in a 4 person family setting, complete with a mom and dad.  While Mia chased after me from day one calling, "Mama!!!", it took about 7 months for Kennedy to even address us as mom and dad.  It is not like she was calling us anything else...she was just not addressing us by ANY name.  She would just stare at us and wait for us to look at her, then she would say what she needed to say...usually in a whisper and with no eye contact.  The teacher in me alone had a hard time with that, but when you are working on feeling maternal toward someone who really does not "need" you for much and does not even call you mom...the connection is...well...not so easy to make.


Some things you need to know are that there will probably be a honeymoon period, on both ends!  Everyone reads about possible bonding issues for the older child to the parent.  Know that it is a 2 way street.  It can be equally hard for a parent to bond to a child.  An older child is likely to be very socially immature.  In our case, Kennedy is technically 14, but socially and emotionally more like 8-10 years old on any given day.  Hygiene standards will have to be taught.  Germ theory will have to be taught.  Table manners will have to be taught.  EVERYTHING will have to be taught.  I knew these things, logically.  But somewhere in my expectation framework, I did not fully grasp the reality of it all.  The many "little things" can creep up on you and overwhelm you.  Know that in advance so you will not be bowled over by them.


There have been many things I have struggled silently with since the first day in China.  When you struggle in silence, things WILL build up.  You may trick yourself into believing that everything is fine and keep pushing forward.  Then, one day, you may show up with an unexplainable illness like hives or chronic headaches.  You may feel like you can never take a full, deep breath.  You may go through tons of medical testing, sure that you have a terminal illness, only to discover a clean bill of health, despite your very real physical symptoms.  Then, you might finally sit still one day in silence and realize that all of the feelings and issues you have suppressed are eating you alive.  Stress WILL take a toll on your health.


The best advice I can offer is to talk about whatever you are thinking and feeling to someone you can trust not to judge you.  You are human and it is OK to think and feel whatever you might be thinking or feeling.  It is not OK to stuff it down and pretend you are fine.  You will regret that later.  Have a realistic knowledge that you will probably struggle at some point...it is normal...and it is OK.  Take care of yourself, not just everyone else.


Also, know that providing love, safety and security are paramount for your new child.  Providing structure, routine, discipline and natural consequences are extremely important as well.  They come with enough habits that need to be un-learned.  You do not want to let them get away with things in the beginning that you will later not allow.  (This is NOT a problem we had.  The teacher in me would not allow that.  However, I have read blogs of people who overindulged their kids at first and then had MAJOR issues when they tried to normalize expectations later.  NOT worth it!!)


OK, I know this has been rambling on and probably only making sense to a few people.  I just hope it helps who it needs to.


Kennedy has now been a part of our family for 8 months!  She continues to amaze us, and we love her very much.  It has been a journey filled with joy as well as tears.  There have been some periods of really rough times, but we have all continued to do the work and move forward.  Things are getting better all the time.  We know that sometimes, we will take one step forward and two steps back.  I have learned to talk to a few trusted people about whatever I am struggling with, and Kennedy is learning what it means to be part of a family.


Please continue to pray for our family and for all families who choose the path of older-child adoption.  It is a unique journey filled with steep inclines and slippery slopes, as well as the occasional free fall!  Your prayers are our safety ropes, so keep them coming!  We can see the summit.